Simply Settling
Let me share with you a quote by Woody Allen. It goes something like this:
“If you’re not failing every now and then it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”
Why would you or I not try something innovative, bold or even purposely attempt to make a difference in life?
- Because you’re content?
- Inside you quietly decided to settle?
- Because they are afraid of ridicule?
- Because you don’t think you’re good or god enough?
“By not making a decision you still have an impact on your outcomes.“-Me
Of course that isn’t the story you and I have told ourselves. We rationalize it six different ways to Sunday why something can’t work or won’t work outside of ourselves.
Hell I’ve done it.
Um actually, I still at times catch myself doing it!
You can settle in all area’s of your life by the way, financially, romantically, emotionally, spiritually etc. So this isn’t about settling for less physical stuff, it’s about settling for a quality of life that is less than what you or I are capable of.
Let’s cover 4 reasons why I’ve settled in the past, see if any of them resonate with you and then give you some steps to let them go bye bye if they do.
1. Low Self Esteem
This is a big one that I struggled with for years. With my childhood abuse I many times wondered why it happened to me and thought myself a victim all the way into adulthood, I struggled with drug abuse and alcohol abuse up into my 20’s because of a low self esteem.
As an example when you have a low self esteem you’ll settle for relationships that are less than healthy like I have because you don’t believe you’re worthy of a healthier one. Or you won’t start a home based business because you don’t feel you’re capable. You are capable but you’ll just require to learn some new skills. But maybe you won’t do that because…
2. Comfort
Settling because you’re comfortable is a dangerous place. You don’t even feel the negative effects until it’s too late. When you’re comfortable you stop growing and the fact is if you’re not growing you’re dying. You may not see it right away but comfort can be the silent killer.
An example would be someone who takes for granted their partner in a relationship until it’s too late and the other person leaves. Or when someone is comfortable at their job and they get laid off. They have no plan B and they have no saved income.
3. Beliefs
“Belief is an emotion which creates certainty.“-Tony Robbins
If you challenge your current beliefs you’re the minority. I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it many more times. People hold fast to their beliefs. They fear change because that means leaving behind a part of themselves that they believe is their identity the feeling of certainty makes them feel good, even if it’s not in their best interest. Which means they would have to challenge their current beliefs and their certainty. That would mean facing their real truths and that’s painful. Their mind says, “Now way!”
Lots of people would rather be right and experience the feeling of certainty (which feels good) than be rich. I interpret rich as in spirit, hope, inspiration, relationships or financially.
4. Fear
This is the root of settling. If there had to be a grandfather of it all it would be fear. People settle because they are afraid. Afraid of what? They are afraid of failure AND success. Afraid of success in their relationships, business, emotionally or even spiritually.
People (me) will sabotage their happiness to stay where they are comfortable, even if the outcome leads to a painful outcome. Why have I done this? Because I didn’t acknowledge or know my core beliefs & values. I didn’t challenge the core beliefs that I already had.
Many times people aren’t even aware of why they are making the choices they are. They just fall victim to their circumstances and chalk it up to bad luck.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”-Carl Jung
That’s not you today by the way. You now are at least conscious of the fact and it’s going to get even better.
Making the Unconscious Now Conscious
So here are some tools to that I’ve personally used and am currently using to overcome these 4 things:
1. Low Self Esteem Booster
Educate yourself as to how you can flex your self esteem muscles. Consciously becoming aware of what it may look like to break the cycle of low self esteem is a good start.
Know that it could be a good 30 day process to instill new habits that improve your self image. Know that you’ll need to break the gravitational pull like a rocket does exiting the earths atmosphere. You will want to acknowledge some new habits that support a healthy self esteem. It will feel like an uphill battle for the first 10 days. You’ll crest around 18 to 20 days and after that your new healthy supporting habits start to feels natural.
Inertia can be a bear to break through in the beginning but breaking the gravitational pull of your self defeating thoughts is handled one step at a time through little successes and knowledge of what the process looks like. Good support like a mentor or a coach are a huge help too in guidance and accountability.
2. Comfort Crusher
You’re comfortable because you haven’t acknowledged where you’re headed! More importantly you haven’t acknowledged any new passions! Your mind is like underwear. Once you stretch it, it doesn’t go back! So let’s stretch it! Take some time and write down what you’re passionate about and what is it that you see yourself doing that you’ve never done before.
An example of mine is I want to take singing lessons. I’m an ok singer but I want to really kick ass at it. I’ve never done it before and I’ll feel great about actually doing it. Am I a little uncomfortable about singing for someone? Maybe but I want to be able to sing over some of the music tracts I’ve written and do inspirational videos like the dripping with motivation track. I want to create a full experience for people to get immersed in to help inspire them to action.
You see what my focus is and where I’m headed? It’s not that I’m scared people will make fun of my singing.
3. Belief Busters
The only way to challenge your beliefs is to ask yourself better questions.
This is you purposely choosing a life of awareness. Choose to start living in the now rather than comparing all of your current moments to past beliefs which are all based on incomplete truths anyway. If you have a problem with this area consider identifying your core values which do make up your current beliefs. Re-wire your brain for an abundance of love!
- What would need to happen in order for me to start living my purpose?
- If I started taking action on my purpose, what would be possible?
- Where would I need to begin?
- What actions would I have to start taking to make it happen today?
- What would I have to give up in order to start taking that action or step out of old patterns?
- How would I feel about myself if I did take a specific action towards living my purpose?
- Who has already done what I want to do and how could I get in touch with them?
Questions are powerful and quite frankly your (My) brain is lazy and doesn’t like to work that damn hard. Every so often it needs a good swift kick in the ass in order to get booted up in the right direction.
These questions are an awesome start.
4. Fear Is Flawed
How have I overcome fear of moving forward?
Surrender to them first. Then, embracing the idea of falling in love with my fears.
What you fear the most you must love the most.
- Your fear is there to challenge you but if you resist it you will be purposely persisting it.
- Your fear is your biggest lesson or your biggest conflict.
- Become the cause or be the effect(ed).
One of my favorite books on this is Beyond Fear by Don Miguel Ruiz. You must learn to embrace your fears. Acknowledging it as an opportunity for a moment of awareness. You’re bumping up against old beliefs that are completely open to being challenged if you so choose.
Life is one big fat illusion anyway if you really get down to it. Your fears are a manifestation of your personal perception. You have a choice over your perception. You can be the cause in life.
You can’t be afraid of fear. Either surrender to it, love it and give it a big hug or kick it in the ass and send it down the road.
Now What
People can fear what stretches them the most. John C. Maxwell said:
“People are like rubber bands, they are most effective when they are stretched.”
If you have a rubber band laying around what is it’s purpose if it’s not being used?
- What doors will be opened by your choosing to stretch towards your vision?
- What new experiences and joys are possible when you do?
- How would you feel about yourself when you do?
Are you stretching? Have you settled somewhere in your life? Emotionally, spiritually or in a relationship?
Live a life well lived by challenging your current beliefs, your current circumstances and more importantly live a life of awareness. You’re entering into a whole new experience of life if you choose.
“Any action is a cause in action.“-Tony Robbins
Are there any different reasons you’ve found as to why you’ve settled?
If so what is one thing you’ve done differently to overcome it?
Share in the comments below!
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Well, I quite like being comfortable. The reason I stretch and try new stuff is to deal with a discomfort or discontent. Comfort rules!
Haha, good one Evan. Truth is I like comfort too. Too much my friend. It's usually at the point where it becomes uncomfortable that I do anything about it lol.
Ok, no always but sometimes 😉
TONY:
Once again an excellent post with too many great points to comment on all of them without some more serious marination 🙂
I find your 'writings' often to me like a fine wine,,,to be sipped leisurely over an extended period of pondering & enjoyment!…Thank you my dear friend for providing many stimulating & enjoyable 'head shedding' moments!:-)
SO 'Shooting stright from the Hip(Heart)”…Here are some 'quick' thots for now:-),,,,,
LSE (My Term for Low- self Esteem)…has been something that has plagued me ALL my life …LSE engulfed me so much that I taped the Following Bible verse to my locker since JR. Hi,,,& NOW have it taped to my office desk
Psalms 139:13-18
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous–and how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, [fn] O God! They are innumerable!
I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!
I guess for me my experience with LSE has shown me that it has either DRIVEN me to the depths of despair(Where I would cower & ATTEMPT NOTHING–Like the time the Basketball Coach in Jr. Hi chewed me out after a game & I quit not to attempt playing again till 11th grade)……This is just one of many examples from my life….The other end of the SPECTRUM 'of LSE's 'DRIVING” Power is how I Drove & Drove myself to Prove I was someone especially to my POP(who berated me a lot as a no good or being good for nothing as a child)…This DRIVING force caused me to come close to the 100 G Level by my mid 30's… in looking back on this I believe because this Lifestyle/Income was NOT BUILT on a solid foundation It crumbled(as I did lose it all)…I am now working DAILY to Build HSE—High Self-Esteem Into my Being.
COMFORT,,,,,,I would call this The SDK = Silent Deadly Killer & boy can I relate!! after toppling off the 100g Mountain in the Mid 90's all I wanted to do is 'kick back' & not take ANY more risks…just 'scratch by' so to speak,,,,& you know that mind-set worked & served me well I thot well,,,but really it served me DESTRUCTIVELY…Till like GRAVITY It HELD me in it's grasp these many years,,,till you realize it is EXTREMELY hard to 'Break Loose' & You do not even realize it!?…ever heard of the 'Frog Boiling Syndrome” ? that is what the false illusion of comfort is like ,,,you find yourself about 'cooked to death' without even realizing it until it is almost TOO LATE…on a real life Note I have made this same error in our Hot Tub,,,feeling so Comfortable there I was in DANGER of falling asleep(my wife saved me one night or I may have drowned..Literally!)
BELIEF = Try this on….How about 'STAYING'(this is about me) in a Religious Organization for over 12 years Because you Thought You & your Group were To be (for lack of a better term) “Jesus Christ's SEALS' to the world as it were straightening everyone out & bringing them into The Highest Point of truth…wow that could Wack one out for a life time
FEAR—Mainly (again for me) Way, Way, Way overblown…like me recently skipping a court case over a Traffic Ticket..out of FEAR…when I finally did go the Judge said (due to my 12 yrs. previous clean driving) He WOULD have Thrown the 1st ticket out,,,BUT now he had no choice but to issue me a fine….My FEAR cost me a better outcome….I am seeking daily as you say to embrace my fears…Like this F= Finally E=Employing /EmbracingA=ALL My R= Resources
May The Infinite Creator continue to SHINE FORTH His Wisdom Thu you Brother!!
Matt Geib The Great
Hi Tony,
Thanks again for another inspiring post. I really enjoy reading your archives. They both energize and boost me. 🙂
i find your parts on Fear and Beliefs to be very strong and true to the point. Beliefs are both hugely beneficial but also can be hugely detremental. just depends what you believe in.
Great Post!
Richard 🙂
Matt,
Sorry for the delayed response but I had replied in email (Disqus does cool stuff like allowing you to respond by email) but for some reason it never showed up here?!
Anyway Epic comment my friend. (For someone who just “sipped” on the post lol.
I appreciated how transparent your insights are on “Fear.” The traffic ticket thing hits home!
Blessings to you my brother and thank you again for such an awesome reply.
Epic comment brother.
Seems like you took lots of time “sipping” from the post.
I hope you employ or are amploying kick ass solutions to your current
experiences. Today you choose what the rest of your life looks like.
Thank you for your effort man! 😉
Hi, Tony –
Thanks for calling our attention to some true core issues that can stand in our way of having incredibles lives! It really takes courage to face them head-on!
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
You're quite welcome Richard! I'm so glad my work resonates with you.
The way our world looks starts with that little thing between our ears. So true 🙂
You're welcome and Thank you also Marie. Quite and honor to have you comment
here. Your blog is a plethora of great insights.
You're so right, it takes a lot of courage to face them and you've done one heck of a job yourself. 🙂
Richard,
Thank you for your comment my friend!
I'm glad my perspective resonates with you.
Fear does serve two purposes by all means. One's to protect but the other is
to move us forward.
Onwards and upward! Hope to hear more from you!
Tony
You're welcome and Thank you also Marie. Quite and honor to have you comment
here. Your blog is a plethora of great insights.
Thank you for your courage as well 🙂
Some brilliant explances hare I enjoyed every word of this article, very informative!
It has been really helpful… lot of interesting hints… and real accurate analysis, hope to read more soon.
Awesome Sarafraz, i'm glad you dug the post. I've got lots more coming my friend.
Twitter Comment
if you have the time, this post is worth it. RT @ateegarden 4 Reasons People Settle For Less (And How I Got Past It) [link to post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
Twitter Comment
if you have the time, this post is worth it. RT @ateegarden 4 Reasons People Settle For Less (And How I Got Past It) [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher
“You’re entering into a whole new experience of life if you choose.” I Choose. I Choose!
Everyday man, I choose to enter a new, greater experience of life. It's pretty hard (as you helped illustrate why above) -and then showed me how it can be easy (again, illustrated above).
A really impressive post Tony. Glad I popped over here!
Haha good choice man! I really appreciate the feedback and glad it was supportive!
I actually really dug your 12 steps to becoming a social media consultant. I've actually done exactly that and I can tell you it works! (Starting with close friends and family/business owners)
It really helps you gain credibility and create results for people. I'm not really looking to go into the consulting realm although I do a fair share of it but you lined it our perfectly I felt.
Thanks again for your input and kind words brother. Great work as well on your part too!
Hey Tony,
Yeah I'm so not moving into a consulting realm for Social Media. However – I wanted to get a process out there that 'hopefully' those that DO want to, can see and realize 'okay I need to take this seriously'.
Thanks for the feedback man! Always good to know something you wrote actually made sense. Ha!
Hi Tony,
I remember when I was growing up esp. in High School I would settle with so many things friends, boyfriends..I would even settle to a point when a friend was talking behind my back I would still hang out with them. Sabotaging my own happiness as well. Throughout the years I have re-assessed my current values. And it's a powerful thing once you truly value yourself as a person and see your own worth. People will see it too.
I really like all your posts and how insightful it is. Thank you for showering us with great content as always.
Lots of love always
Therese, what a great realization. “…And it's a truly powerful then once you truly value yourself as a person and see your own worth.”
I like to say until we fall in love with ourselves and have an amazing relationship with ourselves we won't have as truly amazing outer relationships!
Thank you for sharing my friend as I always value it 🙂
Love you!
this has all been real helpful