My Arrested Development
In a minute I will share something deeply personal with you. I can only share information on it as it’s appropriate seeing how I’m not the only one involved. However in typical Tony fashion, It’s all on the table for you to walk away with what works for you.
While I sit here alone, I am comforted knowing I’m connected to you. I am not able to be my greatest I can be by myself and you are a very important part of my growth. I thank you.
This is the rest of my story you may not know that I’m sharing with you today. I have allowed my perceptions to unjustly define who I am:
- I am not wanted
- I am not loved
- I was a mistake
These were unconscious beliefs now turned conscious from my coaching session last week. In my opinion it was a light form of arrested development in my childhood that has held my hand through even my now, adult years.
I realize I had become stuck at an emotional level in childhood where I continue to operate as an adult today. Until it was unlocked by what I’m about to share, I continued to operate from the limited beliefs that I adopted from my childhood experiences. Limited beliefs that come from being a child without a rational mind to understand a person or persons, who as an adult, was an idiot in the way they talked to me or treated me.
I took these experiences personal, then they became a belief. Out of this negative belief comes an underlying & unconscious commitment. I.E. I’m not good enough, I was a mistake, I’m dumb, etc…Well rationally I can say this is bullshit but still internally & unconsciously I’ve have had these loops playing.
The work is to break the loop and insert something that empowers us.
My Emotional Breakthrough
It all came to fruition yesterday as far as I’m concerned. Feb. 17th 2010 as I had first contact with who I believe may be my biological father. A man I’d never seen, never heard from or had ever made contact with.
Whether he is or isn’t my biological father, my break through and consciousness of my arrested emotional development became quite clear to me.
Thirty Seven years later after my birth into the world, I realized just how much stock I had still put into what lays outside of myself for my self worth. Rationally it doesn’t make sense with all of my personal work, but emotionally it stuck anyway.
It was a a feeling of incompleteness that I hadn’t acknowledged or engaged in. One that I felt I was stronger than. However I am weak and I admit fully to the fact.
It all came rushing out of me after I opened the email from the man who may be my father, the feelings, the emotions, the memories of no self worth.
The day before my coaching session with Jana was rough and I was in a lot of resistance. We unearthed my underlying beliefs:
- I’m not loved
- I’m not wanted
- I was a mistake
Where did I come up with these beliefs?
- A mother who gave birth too young, (at 17) who I perceived, gave me away
- Great grand parents who took me in begrudgingly and didn’t provide any kind of intimacy as a parent. Love wasn’t said or physically given, it was proven through a roof over my head and love didn’t need to be talked about. I look back now and I realize there was some compassion there otherwise they would have had me taken by foster care. However my perceptions where locked in
- A mother & stepfather who took custody of me back for 5 months but abused me physically & mentally
- And at the bottom of the list, a father who didn’t want me because I was a mistake
The first 3 area’s I’ve explored in great detail, the final one I had put out of my mind. I can’t tell you how many times when someone has learned of me not knowing my father I’ve said, “You can’t miss what you never had.”
Boy did I sell myself on that one strong. I believed it through and through.
I realize now just how much of that part of me had gone unacknowledged.
What I’m Making This Mean
I later now realize what I made all this mean as a young adult isn’t true.
I defined myself on something that I didn’t have all the facts on. I made up the meaning of this stuff and those beliefs have probably kept me in a place where where I’ve not performed at my best because I’ve wallowed in self pity.
I asked my good friend Sharla Patrick in a phone conversation about my thoughts & emotions on the subject.
“My head says I am already everything I ever need to be whole.”
“My deepest emotional acknowledgment is that I feel a huge gaping hole inside.”.
Then I was reminded by Sharla about the movie, The Shift, we are like a tree.
We’re born into this world whole, with everything we ever need to be, like a tree. We start as a seed, and grow into a tree. At some point we have branches that are broken off during the storm. It’s painful and it hurts, but we are able to grow those branches back out, because we are always what we are. We are source and we are light. It is what we were born of.
The strength of the tree is tested by the wind, by the rain, by the cold, and by the heat. The heat provides light, the rain provides nourishing life, the cold allows it to go within and slumber. Within the elements of the earth that challenge the tree, it grows stronger.
You and I are much the same way.
We require people, experiences, challenges and tribulations to help us to grow. Even if those very same things break off our branches. Without people who challenge us, whether we like it or not we stay arrested in our development otherwise. Stunted with a child like belief that isn’t really our purpose, but is our lesson to unlock that purpose.
The tree requires the elements. Though they may break branches, lose leaves, it’s fruit or it’s seeds, it’s all part of the reason in life for it to be a tree. Just like the challenges are a reason to be you and me.
How I interpret all of this is up to me as a conscious loving human being, which is what I choose to do.
I have to be cautious and won’t share much more of this in order to protect this man’s privacy, even if he is my father. But this is who I am, and marching my shadows into the light is what I do. As I peel back the layers of my onion it’s my hope to inspire you to do the same in whatever comes at you in your life.
Thank you, I love you.
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Um yeah…I have tears of joy right now. The tears would say if they could speak, “they are proud of you”.
You are so brave and transparent right now Tony-for that your “branches” are already growing back. You are a Divine child of the Universe, a bright ball of energy who isn’t honestly defined by anything else outside of you…I’m thrilled at this shift you are in the midst of having-it’s exciting to see this transition of wiping away the muck of life that’s dimmed the light and broken your branches.
You are beautiful inside and out and I treasure your friendship.
Um yeah…I have tears of joy right now. The tears would say if they could speak, “they are proud of you”.
You are so brave and transparent right now Tony-for that your “branches” are already growing back. You are a Divine child of the Universe, a bright ball of energy who isn’t honestly defined by anything else outside of you…I’m thrilled at this shift you are in the midst of having-it’s exciting to see this transition of wiping away the muck of life that’s dimmed the light and broken your branches.
You are beautiful inside and out and I treasure your friendship.
Thank you a bunch 🙂 You’ve been the bestest friend ever and I treasure our friendship just as much. “it’s exciting to see this transition of wiping away the muck of life that’s dimmed the light and broken your branches.” So well said, I’m glad to be on this journey together with you.
Thank you a bunch 🙂 You’ve been the bestest friend ever and I treasure our friendship just as much. “it’s exciting to see this transition of wiping away the muck of life that’s dimmed the light and broken your branches.” So well said, I’m glad to be on this journey together with you.
T,
Your onion is as sweet and beautiful as they come!
I am so proud of you and humbled by the sheer “big-ness” of what you are putting out here.
You rock…as always.
I loved this, BTW:
You and I are much the same way. We require people, experiences, challenges and tribulations to help us to grow. Even if those very same things break off our branches.”
F*ck that is soooo true! And you are SO much stronger than even you know or think right now.
xoxo Love always,
Alli
T,
Your onion is as sweet and beautiful as they come!
I am so proud of you and humbled by the sheer “big-ness” of what you are putting out here.
You rock…as always.
I loved this, BTW:
You and I are much the same way. We require people, experiences, challenges and tribulations to help us to grow. Even if those very same things break off our branches.”
F*ck that is soooo true! And you are SO much stronger than even you know or think right now.
xoxo Love always,
Alli
Tony… I continue to be moved by your honesty and your willingness to go deep and be real. Thank you for sharing yourself here.
Tony… I continue to be moved by your honesty and your willingness to go deep and be real. Thank you for sharing yourself here.
Alli-You’re words are admittedly comforting. Being such a master with words as you are, your feedback is very appreciated! I thank you 🙂
Alli-You’re words are admittedly comforting. Being such a master with words as you are, your feedback is very appreciated! I thank you 🙂
@Lyman-Brother thanks a lot for your contribution. I appreciate the support you continue to provide to me and the readers who are in search of personal development. You ARE the man! Thank you.
@Lyman-Brother thanks a lot for your contribution. I appreciate the support you continue to provide to me and the readers who are in search of personal development. You ARE the man! Thank you.
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RT @ateegarden Yeah,This one is pretty personal-My Arrested Development And a Shocking Discovery [link to post] [new post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
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RT @ateegarden Yeah,This one is pretty personal-My Arrested Development And a Shocking Discovery [link to post] [new post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
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Yeah,This one is pretty personal-My Arrested Development And a Shocking Discovery [link to post] [new post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
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Yeah,This one is pretty personal-My Arrested Development And a Shocking Discovery [link to post] [new post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
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RT @ateegarden: Yeah,This one is pretty personal-My Arrested Development And a Shocking Discovery [link to post] [new post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
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RT @ateegarden: Yeah,This one is pretty personal-My Arrested Development And a Shocking Discovery [link to post] [new post] – Posted using Chat Catcher
Hi Tony, if I’ve contributed something to you I am very glad.
I can only imagine the impact of meeting the person who may be your real father. I guess as you live with this it will have unexpected effects, my thoughts are with you.
I like you that you put the contradiction between your head and heart (wholeness and gaping hole) so starkly. As you live in to these coming together I’ll be very interested to hear what happens.
Many thanks for such a personal and insightful post.
Hi Tony, if I’ve contributed something to you I am very glad.
I can only imagine the impact of meeting the person who may be your real father. I guess as you live with this it will have unexpected effects, my thoughts are with you.
I like you that you put the contradiction between your head and heart (wholeness and gaping hole) so starkly. As you live in to these coming together I’ll be very interested to hear what happens.
Many thanks for such a personal and insightful post.
Evan,
You definitely have assisted me in growth with your responses and input here at the blog. I appreciate your contribution as always. The one thing you can count with me is to put it out on the table. I’ll keep you updated with my progress. Thank you again my friend.
Evan,
You definitely have assisted me in growth with your responses and input here at the blog. I appreciate your contribution as always. The one thing you can count with me is to put it out on the table. I’ll keep you updated with my progress. Thank you again my friend.
Tony, I know this was not easy to share although as I continue to read it, I always send you loving thoughts of prayers and lots of healing. I know this must have been very tough for you for so many years now. Uncovering all those layers is a great thing but I do think it may take some time to come into full acceptance. The most important thing is YOU have grown to accept your life and with every events & circumstances there is always wisdom behind it. I also bow to thee, for sharing such a personal experience with us here…
As I read your entire blogpost (which I may need to re-read again as I do everyone of your post) I realized and was aware of certain layers I have been carrying also. Like carrying this guilt inside me, I’m not sure why. It started replaying in my thoughts and I think it got to do with the fact that my father always blamed us (children) for everything. I just read this part, “As I peel back the layers of my onion it’s my hope to inspire you to do the same in whatever comes at you in your life.” And know what I need to do for myself as well.
Thanks for the GREAT SHARE! I really enjoyed this piece from you Tony. Your such an amazing being and I am so honored to have found a friend in you.
I also love that you said, “conscious loving human being” because that’s what I truly see in YOU.
Love & Light
Therese Miu
Tony, I know this was not easy to share although as I continue to read it, I always send you loving thoughts of prayers and lots of healing. I know this must have been very tough for you for so many years now. Uncovering all those layers is a great thing but I do think it may take some time to come into full acceptance. The most important thing is YOU have grown to accept your life and with every events & circumstances there is always wisdom behind it. I also bow to thee, for sharing such a personal experience with us here…
As I read your entire blogpost (which I may need to re-read again as I do everyone of your post) I realized and was aware of certain layers I have been carrying also. Like carrying this guilt inside me, I’m not sure why. It started replaying in my thoughts and I think it got to do with the fact that my father always blamed us (children) for everything. I just read this part, “As I peel back the layers of my onion it’s my hope to inspire you to do the same in whatever comes at you in your life.” And know what I need to do for myself as well.
Thanks for the GREAT SHARE! I really enjoyed this piece from you Tony. Your such an amazing being and I am so honored to have found a friend in you.
I also love that you said, “conscious loving human being” because that’s what I truly see in YOU.
Love & Light
Therese Miu
I really appreciate your connection on this one Therese. Everyone has been very supportive of my experience and even more so of finding the good in it. The newest post I just did (Today’s) was written Sunday after I actually wrote this post simply because I was exploring what all of this meant to me and what exactly I would make it mean. It’s been very liberating to express myself here and get so much support. If I can support someone else’s experience through shedding light on my own then so be it. I think it’s a win! I do recognize I’m a conscious loving human being and appreciate taking that journey with you. I pray we shed light on the world together 🙂
Thank you my good friend.
I really appreciate your connection on this one Therese. Everyone has been very supportive of my experience and even more so of finding the good in it. The newest post I just did (Today’s) was written Sunday after I actually wrote this post simply because I was exploring what all of this meant to me and what exactly I would make it mean. It’s been very liberating to express myself here and get so much support. If I can support someone else’s experience through shedding light on my own then so be it. I think it’s a win! I do recognize I’m a conscious loving human being and appreciate taking that journey with you. I pray we shed light on the world together 🙂
Thank you my good friend.
TONY:
I Guess I should have read this first,,,I read the newest post 1st….WOW,,,How very transparent,,,Words seem so unable to express the emotion this brought to the surface in me,,,I am overcome with joy for you my friend!!
Perhaps this is leading to a deeper ‘well-spring’ for me,,,in some ways being adopted at 2.5 years I can relate….My Folks were ALWAYS OPEN with me about being adopted when I was getting ready to go to college My Mother gave me info. she had to reach my Biological parents & siblings…I tried 2-3 times over the years to make contact,,,No one has yet to respond back.
I know I was loved by my Adoptive Parents (I always considered them my REAL Parents—cause they RAISED me)…& yet I wonder if the years & years I struggled with issues of low self-esteem were ‘planted’ in my Subconscious because of being given away as it were.(+of course authoritarian issues I had with Dad that I mentioned previously)
At any rate Brother it Appears as if you have STARTED something here!,,,By you sharing your ‘Shadow’ gives myself & others courage to step into the light,,,Ramone Williamson puts it like this “Your MESS is your Message.”
Thanks for ‘moving me’ brother!!
Matt
TONY:
I Guess I should have read this first,,,I read the newest post 1st….WOW,,,How very transparent,,,Words seem so unable to express the emotion this brought to the surface in me,,,I am overcome with joy for you my friend!!
Perhaps this is leading to a deeper ‘well-spring’ for me,,,in some ways being adopted at 2.5 years I can relate….My Folks were ALWAYS OPEN with me about being adopted when I was getting ready to go to college My Mother gave me info. she had to reach my Biological parents & siblings…I tried 2-3 times over the years to make contact,,,No one has yet to respond back.
I know I was loved by my Adoptive Parents (I always considered them my REAL Parents—cause they RAISED me)…& yet I wonder if the years & years I struggled with issues of low self-esteem were ‘planted’ in my Subconscious because of being given away as it were.(+of course authoritarian issues I had with Dad that I mentioned previously)
At any rate Brother it Appears as if you have STARTED something here!,,,By you sharing your ‘Shadow’ gives myself & others courage to step into the light,,,Ramone Williamson puts it like this “Your MESS is your Message.”
Thanks for ‘moving me’ brother!!
Matt
“Your mess is your message” I love it Matt! Wow we have some similarities it seems. It sounds as if you had loving parents however each of us have our own emotional journey in interpreting those experiences. That’s what part 1 and 2 are about in my newest posts. I know how I had unconsciously chosen to deal with the experience, however I’m not that person anymore. The conscious loving human being that I am now embraces whatever pain and experience I had and creates a new experience from it. I’m glad this moved you and I hope you take action on it my friend. 🙂
“Your mess is your message” I love it Matt! Wow we have some similarities it seems. It sounds as if you had loving parents however each of us have our own emotional journey in interpreting those experiences. That’s what part 1 and 2 are about in my newest posts. I know how I had unconsciously chosen to deal with the experience, however I’m not that person anymore. The conscious loving human being that I am now embraces whatever pain and experience I had and creates a new experience from it. I’m glad this moved you and I hope you take action on it my friend. 🙂
Incredible post – so transparent, and yet hopeful, willing to risk all. Be blessed, Trece
Incredible post – so transparent, and yet hopeful, willing to risk all. Be blessed, Trece
Thank you so much Trece. I figure not reaching out was a risk in itself. Thank you for your support. 🙂
Thank you so much Trece. I figure not reaching out was a risk in itself. Thank you for your support. 🙂
Hello Tony,
I am so proud of you for shaving your intimate experience about your nuclear family. It’s so important for people to understand that not everyone is born into what we percieve it to be the perfect loving and caring enviroment.
My congrats go out to your soul for delivering a realistic
concept of truth and faith. It really takes alot of soul searching to stop suffering and to understand your purpose in life begins with yourself.
Hello Tony,
I am so proud of you for shaving your intimate experience about your nuclear family. It’s so important for people to understand that not everyone is born into what we percieve it to be the perfect loving and caring enviroment.
My congrats go out to your soul for delivering a realistic
concept of truth and faith. It really takes alot of soul searching to stop suffering and to understand your purpose in life begins with yourself.
Thank you Tachi for your kindness and comforting words. “…a realistic concept of truth and faith.” I like that 🙂
Thank you Tachi for your kindness and comforting words. “…a realistic concept of truth and faith.” I like that 🙂
Tony, I shared in your grief and pain when I read what you wrote. It took courage and sensitivity to do that. Your father was someone who came into your life as you did in his. You both share this together. But he is a separate person, as are you. Now you must be your own father. You must love and nourish yourself as you would someone else you cherish. You belong to the human race and now have a chance to learn that anger destroys and love builds. I love you Tony. Now go and find the people in the world who will also love you too.. Dont forget to love back.
Louise
Tony, I shared in your grief and pain when I read what you wrote. It took courage and sensitivity to do that. Your father was someone who came into your life as you did in his. You both share this together. But he is a separate person, as are you. Now you must be your own father. You must love and nourish yourself as you would someone else you cherish. You belong to the human race and now have a chance to learn that anger destroys and love builds. I love you Tony. Now go and find the people in the world who will also love you too.. Dont forget to love back.
Louise
Louise, what an amazing and heart felt response. Thank you so much. My update is that my “possible” biological father have been in email contact back and forth as well as now phone conversation. We’re both extremely open to the possibility that we’re in fact connected. However we’re both tempering our emotions until we get the DNA testing. I completely agree that with the work I’ve gone through I realize I am my own support system and have the ability to connect with my inner source and self. There has been a world wind of emotions but I’ve come to a complete level ground of emotions. I have absolutely learned there is a gift in every experience no matter how bad. So yes I have learned that anger destroys and love builds. Thank you so much for your love and support Louise. I am love there for all I have to provide is love itself.
Louise, what an amazing and heart felt response. Thank you so much. My update is that my “possible” biological father have been in email contact back and forth as well as now phone conversation. We’re both extremely open to the possibility that we’re in fact connected. However we’re both tempering our emotions until we get the DNA testing. I completely agree that with the work I’ve gone through I realize I am my own support system and have the ability to connect with my inner source and self. There has been a world wind of emotions but I’ve come to a complete level ground of emotions. I have absolutely learned there is a gift in every experience no matter how bad. So yes I have learned that anger destroys and love builds. Thank you so much for your love and support Louise. I am love there for all I have to provide is love itself.