An Open Letter To Someone Who Matters
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve said it and even longer since I showed it.
But it’s important I tell you now, as we’re here together in this moment.
I need you to know. I don’t just know what I’m about to tell you. I feel it.
The reason I’ve taken so long to express this to you is I’ve been ashamed.
And right now, I’d rather face rejection than take it to my grave.
So here it is…
…I do love you.
I’ve neglected you and even mistreated you for very selfish reasons.
I didn’t mean to leave you alone in those times when you felt you needed me the most.
I was scared and didn’t want to take responsibility and cope with the situation.
It was easier to look away and pretend you didn’t need me. Yes, I saw you out of the corner of my eye a few times, hoping I’d turn to you and open my heart…but I still turned away. My fear of looking foolish overwhelmed me.
I know your heart sank in those moments but my fear made it easier to ignore your pain.
I know there were times when you slipped and fell in life and I just stood and watched.
I was terrified people would think I was associated with you if I attempted to help.
I didn’t want to look foolish but now I know I was the fool for not being there when you needed me most.
It was easier to abandon you than to be judged by others and face embarrassment.
It was easy in that moment because all I had to do is not look into your eyes.
As long as I didn’t have to look you in the face I could deal with it.
I looked at the ground alot for this reason instead of holding my head up high.
I was ashamed.
I realize now the times when your behavior seemed crazy and irrational, you were just trying to get my attention. Any attention would do at that point. Even if it wasn’t the kind you really needed. You were desperate for any kind of attention I’d give. Even if it was anger or jealousy.
I provided myself what I wanted, which was safety and security instead of what you needed. Which was for me to stand there and courageously love you anyway.
I realize now you didn’t need me to rationalize with you the statistics and the data of the moment. You didn’t need me to talk to your head. You needed me to hold you in my heart and fiercely love you for who and what you were in that moment. You needed me to listen to you.
You wanted to felt heard.
I didn’t do it because I realize I wanted you to be something other than you are. I projected my fears and my fantasy of what life should be like onto you. Instead of letting you freely express your very best qualities.
I tried to mold you and shape you into something you were are not so that you’d look better in the eyes of everyone else.
I was the coward and you were the courage. All along you just wanted to courageously take on the world together. To explore it in all it’s messiness and glory.
And I didn’t support you.
I resisted your attempts and I rejected you for it.
The last time I showed my love for you I didn’t feel the need to say it, I demonstrated it. I lived it with you and you felt it.
The last time I shared my love for you I also wasn’t staring in a mirror.
I love you Tony.
You didn’t tell me what it meant to have courage, you demonstrated it.
You didn’t tell me to be gentle, you were kind.
You didn’t tell me how to love, you just did it.
You didn’t tell me you were always going to be there for me, you never left.
I hold you in my heart now and forever.
“Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”– Brene Brown
[note color=”#879fe6″]I wrote this sometime back and I’m sharing it openly with you here today. I’m guessing you’ll know why when you’re done reading. This is meant for someone, somewhere to read. Please share if it resonates with you so it may reach them.[/note]
Until you wrote “I love you Tony” I thought it was a love letter to your wife or your beloved one. Kind of touching… the kind of love letter many women would like to receive from their men… Sure the kind of letter I would like to receive from mine!
You have such a kind heart, Tony! I really appreciate you!
Tony Teegarden says
Thank you Lara. I’m glad it touched you.
In my own experience it’s challenging to authentically provide for others what I may not hold for myself. Sure, it may be possible for others however I question the level of fulfillment one really experiences. Fulfillment in it’s own right is acknowledging the perception of emptiness and that something is not yet full.
I know I experienced emptiness when all the while the fulfillment I desired was there waiting for me inside. This was my love letter to myself.
I don’t have a wife currently but I figured at the time of writing this, the most important person to fall in love with (to start) was me.
I appreciate your kind comment. Thank you for sharing 🙂