Someone Took Your Power
I’ve been struggling publicly to express myself from the most real and raw place possible lately.
I really have.
What I mean is, I’ve been reeeeeally struggling to tear away all the layers of stuff I thought I was about in order to find my voice and to really engage with you on the most real level possible of who I am right now. At the same time I believe I have lots of valuable past experiences to share in the the present.
Are there times I’ve felt like giving up on myself and this adventure?
It’s been painful, humiliating, exhausting, fun, liberating and flat out exhilarating all at the same time.
The freedom I feel from being able to express who I really am at this point?
When I’ve talked about peeling back the layers of human experiences that I’ve had over the past few decades, what I’ve not explored with you is what the hell I do with the layers that are left exposed and why it’s important to not just leave them hanging out.
Looking For Your Power
All of this peeling away creates quite the mess. Kind of like after Christmas morning when all of the torn wrapping paper and ripped open boxes litter the floor with you’re newly found gifts shining amongst the carnage.
There’s been work to do after peeling all of this stuff back, let me tell you.
- I write about my experiences a lot publicly and journal about it personally
- I explore the meaning I give those experiences and my truth behind them so it empowers me
- I live and apply the wisdom of the experience in my everyday life situations
- I share the wisdom with those I come into contact if they are open or ask me for my input (I learn more this way as well)
What I don’t do anymore is look for stuff outside of myself that needs to be resolved before I can feel good about who I am and what I’m about. I’m not looking for shit outside myself to get fixed first like:
- Getting someones approval
- Waiting for someone to apologize for doing something to me
- An event to happen to give me a sign that it was meant to be
- Someone to express to me how they feel about me
When I used to look outside of myself for external experiences to validate me, I found I was giving my power away.
Giving my power away means that I was held victim or hostage of the external experience and living stuck. Stuck in the past emotionally mentally and spiritually. It means I’m not living fully present in the now. It means I’m not present for the relationships that are in my life right now. I’m not giving them the love and respect they give to me.
I became aware of these layers hanging around recently and because of them, I wasn’t living out loud.
My light was weak in those days and my darkness was strong.
My Real Example
The abuse I experienced as a child could have very well held me hostage and did for years. However as a conscious living and loving adult now I can choose otherwise. Just the fact someone can talk about their abuse as a child or share it with anyone is a major leap forward in conscious living. I adore them when they do share it.
I was sharing with someone how I, as a 7-year-old child, was faced with a .44 magnum in my mouth. How I was screamed at and that I was wanted dead. There were many other experiences that were worse that I faced. I have 38 stitches in my right forehead to prove it.
Needless to say as a child, following those experiences, I was quite fucked up trying to understand what this all meant.
And I’m grateful for every damn second of it all.
As I write this I’m in the midst of crying from the gratefulness I feel for what I’ve experienced.
Did I have a choice about participating in this experience as a 7- year-old?
Do I have a choice about how I choose to experience it today as an adult?
I could probably smear these pages with my mess from my childhood and as a young adult. And you know, I may do just that in order to share with you how fucking amazing you and I are as spiritual beings having a human experience.
I feel it.
Tolerate you wallowing around in it for an extended period of time around me?
If you’re around me for any period of time you’ll realize I love you too much to allow you to play in the messy mud of your miserableness for long. I tolerate little because I care A LOT.
Take Your Power Back Today
What went through my head once I made the conscious loving decision to not let this experience dictate my ability to experience happiness anymore?
- Today is the day I take my power back!
- Today is the day I love the man who physically projected these things onto me as a child.
- Today is the day I love the man I’ve chosen to become based on these experiences
- Today is the day I accept I am playing a small game by ever really thinking I need his apology in order to live my life out loud
- Today is the day I acknowledge this all happened (and I’m NOT dead) because there is someone out there that needs my conscious loving light to help facilitate their way out of their emotional stuckness.
- Today is the day I acknowledge that my higher calling, purpose & gift, is sharing with others there is a blessing in all of this past stuff.
- Today is the day that because of all of this I can create, shed and share out loud my life, my love, my hurt and my past so that others can accept the gift that is called their present.
Now you know why I can love this man.
Now you know why I can call him my friend, my brother and my mentor.
Do I have to spend time around him?
Do I have to have Christmas dinner with him?
Do I have to buy him a birthday card?
Do I give those events or that man outside of my internal loving conscious self my power for another day after that?
Not at all.
Am I more free to live in the now with you here today?
This is where I am today and it feels damn good.