Well as I mentioned here a few weeks ago I had reached out to and possibly found my biological father.
We connected, spoke and he even drove almost 5 hours to go through the DNA testing process here in Tampa. To say that I was hopeful is an understatement however we both tempered ourselves until we knew.
Then on Monday afternoon we found out the answer…
…I called him, and we 3way’d into the DNA testing company. (Same one that the Montel Williams show uses)
It seems living without expectation is a path of living without disappointments however living without expectation at all would mean we’re sitting around waiting for shit to happen like we’re a rock. Um yeah, don’t think so.
We (him and I) found out yesterday he isn’t my father.
To me it’s certainly OK to put stock in being hopeful in matters of the heart. In my experience living & loving are matters of trusting there is a gift in everything that works in lives and everything that doesn’t.
The disappointments we experience in the moment aren’t always easy to digest but there’s always a gift in them. The sooner you embrace this the shorter you experience the disappointment.
I was disappointed for all of about an hour.
Maybe to many people this couldn’t seem possible over such a build up and disappointment?
Steps To Disciplining Your Disappointments
- Practice consciously Deciding– I consciously decided that I was hopeful but that I wasn’t going to invest heavily in the fact he was my father. I had no idea if in fact he was so don’t set myself up to be severely disappointed.
- Practice Tempering Your Emotions– My, at the time possible biological father said something very important and that it was that until we know for sure we should temper our emotions on the subject. Meaning be firm in the possibility this could go either way. Quite frankly some of the best advice I’ve walked away with from all of this. (It was one of many gifts)
- Observe Yourself– Once the moment came and I found out over the phone he wasn’t my father was I disappointed? Sure I was. Did I allow myself to feel it? You bet. However after about an hour I sat back and observed Tony. Instead of viewing the situation from my own eyes I viewed myself as the observer of my situation. This also gives me the ability to be objective including all parties involved. I was able to view my situation with much more empathy and compassion.
- Don’t Try to Fix It– Being my personality I can definitely attempt to be a “Mr. Fix It” at times. In the moment of it happening though I didn’t attempt to fix it. I just allowed it to be and went to a zero state of observation with out the need of finding an immediate solution. More so letting go than anything. Once I found the gift in all of this I realized there was nothing broke so there was nothing to fix.
- Find the Gift In It– There is always a gift in our challenges, problems, issues, whatever the hell you want to call them. Take the time to find the gift (your power) rather than becoming a victim and giving your power away. Example: If all I got out of this lesson was to temper my emotions if I find myself in a highly emotional set up then this whole thing would be worth it. (There’s a lot more to it though of which I’m still allowing to come to me)
- Set Up The Next Shot– Like in playing pool, the worlds best players never make a shot without giving thought to their next move (Or several moves after it) Sometimes we don’t realize what kind of impact our decisions to day will have on tomorrow. Or the depth of that impact. So be cautious as to what conclusions you make today. Assume stands for “makes an Ass out of U and me.” Set yourself up for positive experiences even when things don’t work out like you may have wished.
Benefits of Disciplining Your Disappointments
- You don’t find yourself on an emotional roller coaster.
- You feel more grounded
- You don’t make costly assumptions about people or outcomes
- You have a healthier outlook on your life experiences
- You don’t fear approaching new projects, relationships or experiences
I think the last point there is the biggest benefit to me.
If you looked at every disappointment as an opportunity to experience a new gift of wisdom, imagine the emotional freedom you could experience. No fear surrounding a new hobbies, or engaging in a new relationship or starting a new business.
So all in all I gained a new perspective, some new emotional tools, a new friend even if he’s not my father and a deeper understanding of myself. To me that’s a much different way of looking at it than with hopelessness of not knowing.
These are all gifts and then some. (Not to mention the great out pouring of support and feedback from you in comments an email)
What about you?
Can you see any other benefits of disciplining your disappointments or where this could be powerful in the future?