Expectations
Well as I mentioned here a few weeks ago I had reached out to and possibly found my biological father.
We connected, spoke and he even drove almost 5 hours to go through the DNA testing process here in Tampa. To say that I was hopeful is an understatement however we both tempered ourselves until we knew.
Then on Monday afternoon we found out the answer…
…I called him, and we 3way’d into the DNA testing company. (Same one that the Montel Williams show uses)
It seems living without expectation is a path of living without disappointments however living without expectation at all would mean we’re sitting around waiting for shit to happen like we’re a rock. Um yeah, don’t think so.
Disappointments
We (him and I) found out yesterday he isn’t my father.
Test results=Negative
To me it’s certainly OK to put stock in being hopeful in matters of the heart. In my experience living & loving are matters of trusting there is a gift in everything that works in lives and everything that doesn’t.
The disappointments we experience in the moment aren’t always easy to digest but there’s always a gift in them. The sooner you embrace this the shorter you experience the disappointment.
I was disappointed for all of about an hour.
Maybe to many people this couldn’t seem possible over such a build up and disappointment?
Steps To Disciplining Your Disappointments
- Practice consciously Deciding– I consciously decided that I was hopeful but that I wasn’t going to invest heavily in the fact he was my father. I had no idea if in fact he was so don’t set myself up to be severely disappointed.
- Practice Tempering Your Emotions– My, at the time possible biological father said something very important and that it was that until we know for sure we should temper our emotions on the subject. Meaning be firm in the possibility this could go either way. Quite frankly some of the best advice I’ve walked away with from all of this. (It was one of many gifts)
- Observe Yourself– Once the moment came and I found out over the phone he wasn’t my father was I disappointed? Sure I was. Did I allow myself to feel it? You bet. However after about an hour I sat back and observed Tony. Instead of viewing the situation from my own eyes I viewed myself as the observer of my situation. This also gives me the ability to be objective including all parties involved. I was able to view my situation with much more empathy and compassion.
- Don’t Try to Fix It– Being my personality I can definitely attempt to be a “Mr. Fix It” at times. In the moment of it happening though I didn’t attempt to fix it. I just allowed it to be and went to a zero state of observation with out the need of finding an immediate solution. More so letting go than anything. Once I found the gift in all of this I realized there was nothing broke so there was nothing to fix.
- Find the Gift In It– There is always a gift in our challenges, problems, issues, whatever the hell you want to call them. Take the time to find the gift (your power) rather than becoming a victim and giving your power away. Example: If all I got out of this lesson was to temper my emotions if I find myself in a highly emotional set up then this whole thing would be worth it. (There’s a lot more to it though of which I’m still allowing to come to me)
- Set Up The Next Shot– Like in playing pool, the worlds best players never make a shot without giving thought to their next move (Or several moves after it) Sometimes we don’t realize what kind of impact our decisions to day will have on tomorrow. Or the depth of that impact. So be cautious as to what conclusions you make today. Assume stands for “makes an Ass out of U and me.” Set yourself up for positive experiences even when things don’t work out like you may have wished.
Benefits of Disciplining Your Disappointments
- You don’t find yourself on an emotional roller coaster.
- You feel more grounded
- You don’t make costly assumptions about people or outcomes
- You have a healthier outlook on your life experiences
- You don’t fear approaching new projects, relationships or experiences
I think the last point there is the biggest benefit to me.
If you looked at every disappointment as an opportunity to experience a new gift of wisdom, imagine the emotional freedom you could experience. No fear surrounding a new hobbies, or engaging in a new relationship or starting a new business.
So all in all I gained a new perspective, some new emotional tools, a new friend even if he’s not my father and a deeper understanding of myself. To me that’s a much different way of looking at it than with hopelessness of not knowing.
These are all gifts and then some. (Not to mention the great out pouring of support and feedback from you in comments an email)
What about you?
Can you see any other benefits of disciplining your disappointments or where this could be powerful in the future?
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Very well said Tony! I like the action steps you took. Very applicable! Kind of has me looking forward to see how I “respond” in my next disappointing situation!
“Respond to my next disappointing situation.” I like that word respond
rather than react brother. Good stuff! Thanks for sharing.
Simple thot,,,off the TOP of my HEAD,,,Dissapoint to be cast down discouraged about an EXPECTED event or outcome in a situation…Perhaps someday we can GROW to the Point where we have no DEFINED EXPECTAIONS(?),,,,I am just posing the Question here?…Is this even … Possible with us HUMANS (not sure!?)…OPPOSITE = To Be encouraged or content,,,so I guess NO MATTER what we must TRAIN ourselves to 'see a silver lining', to find THE GOOD in EVERYTHING…Another AhHa Here in the moment …LIVE in GRATEFULNESS!! If you have an attitude of Gratefulness(which basically means to aknowledge & Be AWARE of Good)…How can you be DISAPPOINTED with anything!?….I am not at this point yet But I want to be!!LOL…Thx, for making me 'Think'!! for 'Thinking teaches us How to LIVE, & LIVING teaches us How to THINK'(OK ENUFF already!! LOL)
You're right Matt, It's all about perspective, attitude and philosophy. If
we support one another in our conscious efforts how can we not accomplish
all that we choose to experience. I myself believe it's part of the human
experience to have expectations but it's a manner of managing our
expectations as a friend pointed out to me that is key.
Good feedback brother. I'm curious if anyone else believes it's possible to
live without expectation?
TONY:
Hope you do not mind another comment:-),,,I think you put it well we must 'MANAGE' our Expectation(s)….I am still not sure it is Possible to live w/out Expectation,,,in fact we should Expect GOOD things,,,maybe Key in this is not trying to Predetermine or exactly SHOEHORN how an Expectation will turn out/look in every detail(WOW<<<<& we are so PRONE to this!)
How am I doing so far…LOL?
Matt
Good point Matt. My friend Alli actually mentioned the Managing aspect of
our expectations on Facebook yesterday when I asked the question about how
people handled disappointment.
I think expecting good things is super important. However welcoming the fact
that if things don't work out the way we preferred or if something
determined “bad” happens, there is always a gift in it. Our power is to
respond to the situation rather than react. We can do that when we temper
our expectations. This makes it much easier to discipline those
disappointments.
I'm in no way saying a temper tantrum every now and then isn't ok too lol.
Wow this is wisdom out of the mouths of babes because I’m thinking you’re much younger than I and I wish someone would have taught me this a long time of go. I can only say I’ve really learned this over the last ten years.
My daughter planned adoption for her baby 15 years ago. Not an easy situation for her then or now. No one ever understands or knows the entire story in these difficult choices. I wish you love and peace on your journey.
Wow this is wisdom out of the mouths of babes because I’m thinking you’re much younger than I and I wish someone would have taught me this a long time of go. I can only say I’ve really learned this over the last ten years.
My daughter planned adoption for her baby 15 years ago. Not an easy situation for her then or now. No one ever understands or knows the entire story in these difficult choices. I wish you love and peace on your journey.
Thanks for your sharing your insights Tess 🙂
Yes I agree that sharing our growth and light from exposing our shadows is a big help to anyone who’s in a place to receive the insight. So glad you “got it.”
My mom to this day does not know who my father is. She put a lot of stock into the fact this gentleman was my father, only to find out it isn’t true. “It’s hard for anyone to understand and even easier to judge until they’re standing in someone’s shoe’s. Temper your emotions, practice empathy, dwell on compassion and then give consideration to your thoughts on the matter.”
Thank you for sharing and I appreciate you stopping by. Thank you for your well wishes. 🙂
Thanks for your sharing your insights Tess 🙂
Yes I agree that sharing our growth and light from exposing our shadows is a big help to anyone who’s in a place to receive the insight. So glad you “got it.”
My mom to this day does not know who my father is. She put a lot of stock into the fact this gentleman was my father, only to find out it isn’t true. “It’s hard for anyone to understand and even easier to judge until they’re standing in someone’s shoe’s. Temper your emotions, practice empathy, dwell on compassion and then give consideration to your thoughts on the matter.”
Thank you for sharing and I appreciate you stopping by. Thank you for your well wishes. 🙂
Great words of wisdom Tony. Disappointments are a part of life. Life is what “WE” choose it to be. Just like chrisnunez pointed out, it's not the situation that forms our life, but how we CHOOSE to respond to it.
Excellent stuff Tony.
Thanks Brian, I appreciate the input man! Life IS how we choose to interpret
it! (And what it throws at us)
I appreciate your participation here!
Tony, let me flip it around and ask you this. What if you had found out he WAS your biological father? Do you think tempering your emotions would have changed the way you reacted to that news as well? If you told yourself you'd be ok if he wasn't your father, but then he is, well you already told yourself you were ok anyways so whats the big deal?!?! Thats exaggerated of course but, I think I do a good job at tempering my emotions for dissapointments, but sometimes that bites me in the butt because my emotions are then OVERLY tempered when something good happens! I think its usually in reaction to others. For example, my much younger and incredibly smart brother is applying to get into a magnet school. We're all pretty sure he'll get in, but if he doesn't, thats ok! But if he does, well how much should we celebrate because truly, what school he goes to does not DEFINE who he is, yet it would be something hes proud of. Or, you try out for a sports team and make it…GREAT! But hey if you didn't make it thats ok too. You get what I'm saying? What do you think?
Great point Matt. I believe there are varying degree's & levels of emotional
expectations that we own and therefore project onto other people.
For me this was a deeply emotionally rooted thing. My roots, my beginnings
my DNA and yes I HAD made it about defining who I was based on the answer.
(I've accepted now it doesn't)
Fact is I was completely prepared for it to be true and to completely be
ready to have a deeply loving relationship with this man. Fact is he isn't
and I've made an amazing new friendship which holds serious value in my.
I always have had high expectations of myself and my abilities. It's when
you put stock in things outside of your control that I feel you're setting
yourself up for unnecessary hurt. It was never in my control if he was
really my father or not. I have control over whether “I” want to be a father
or not.
You've made some really good points here, Tony. I have a friend who is one of the happiest people I know because she doesn't set herself up with unrealistic expectations about events or people. She approaches life with a sense of openness to what is and what will be. She enjoys life more than most people because she accepts its natural ups and downs. She also (usually) accepts that she can't control the outcome of things. I agree with you that – especially in matters of the heart – we need to allow ourselves to have hope or we risk being closed off from love.
Although finding your biological father won't change who you *are* as a person, it can fill in some blanks for you about your history and roots. There's nothing wrong in hoping for that and seeking that connection with your past. Good luck in your search.
Good good points.
I've had many blessings come from the experience and yes there is still some
“question” of who is it that's out there, (maybe) who is my father. Although
I look back and remember Wayne Dyer saying that he never did find his father
until after he had passed away.
There are reasons, blessings and gifts in everything.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing 🙂