I’m Going to Confide In You (The Shame Game)

Confiding In You

I’ve shared a lot about myself with you here at Tony Teegarden dot com over the past year or so.

Quite frankly I’ve shared a lot more than I ever thought I would. Initially In the beginning I figured I’d start talking about working from home, marketing and other money related stuff. (Which has been my focus for the past 17 years.)

Um yeah, I haven’t done much of that really.

Why?

I’ve been confiding in you with a lot of my deeper stuff and making myself more vulnerable in hopes of imparting with knowledge or insights that serve you. (And honestly me) My intention is to share insights on how we can become more conscious and behave more purposely in our everyday thoughts, actions and words. At least from my perspective so that we may experience more fulfillment in our businesses and lives.

The definition of confide: “To show confidence by imparting secrets”

The Latin root of Confidence is “With Trust.” So by trusting in you with my secrets, I’ve trusted in myself.

I figured something out. Even though I haven’t expressed it specifically, the reason I’ve been imparting of my deeper secrets is because seldom is it the business secrets that have caused me to make progress in life and business. What seems to matter is the make up, or the character of the man or woman who sets out in search of expressing themselves through business and commerce. Or better yet making a positive impact through business or commerce.

Many times the character required to fulfill ones purpose (In life or through business) is only forged through the fire of challenge and change.

Those who are clear on the impact of their contribution in life, do it anyway. Even if their scared.

But if we were honest with ourselves we’d much rather float effortlessly from point A to point B right? But then again we’d never have anything to be proud of and we wouldn’t feel fulfilled.

That’s the shit most all of us hate to have to experience though. The fire of challenge and change.

Quite frankly I’ve been ashamed of just how much I thought I’d have to expose about myself in order to experience the kind of success in business and life I feel I deserve. Even though I’ve expressed a lot here on these pages there’s more. But it isn’t necessary to hide it or wallow in it.

It’s about being at peace with all of ourselves, even the perceived gaps we think we have within ourselves or experience between others.

Our Own Gaps Serve Us

In a recent post, Dealing With Your Personal Gaps by Michael Martine you get a sense of what causes so many of us to get stuck in the gaps of our life:

“In all seriousness, one thing you mentioned gets at why this post is on here in the first place. Our “failures” shape us and our self-concept is destiny. At a deeper level, most businesses/blog “problems” are actually personal problems.

Which, it seems to me, is why “business” solutions often don’t solve anything.”

So when I started off with this site, I set out to really talk about how to work from home, be in business for yourself and make money when in truth, doing those things successfully is a result of something far deeper.

Trusting yourself.

• Trusting yourself to take intelligent risks.
• Trusting yourself to love
• Trusting yourself enough to commit to your mission
• Trusting yourself enough to commit to your purpose
• Trusting yourself to live intelligently

“Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.“-Brene Brown

Going Where Others Don’t Go

My bout with shame is fearing not having a connection with you or the world when I bear all. Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives and without it, we feel alone.

Discover the reasons Shame and Fear keep you from fully connecting:

Brene Brown TEDTalks – Shame and Fear [20:45]

• Shame and fear -Shame (the feeling of I’m not good enough) is the fear of disconnection. We say to ourselves, “Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t worthy of connection.“
• The only people who don’t feel shame are those who aren’t capable of feeling empathy or connection.
• Vulnerability: in order for this connection to happen we have to be willing to be seen, really seen.
• Shame boils down to a having a sense of worthiness & loving and belonging. Only one variable between those who do and don’t. Those who have it, believe they are worthy.

“Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” –Brene Brown

When I began to love all that there is about me, I felt an immense amount energy freed up. Like seriously. A lot.

The fact is I choose everyday to accept myself as I am, even with all of my imperfections. (Perfection is the enemy of progress btw)

When you and I truly accept and know we’re worthy of love and belonging this quote comes alive with action:

“You are better off being wrong 80% of the time and doing a lot than being right 80% of the time and doing a little.”
– Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf

• We are not our mistakes therefore we allow ourselves to take risks and make them.
• We are strengthened by those mistakes and challenges because we gain experience.
• We learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes because now we have perspective.

So how powerful is making mistakes in the learning process?

Discover from Diana Laufenberg where learning begins:

Diana Laufenberg: TEDtalks – How to learn? From mistakes [10:38]

• Give kids access to the tools to acquire information
• Once they have the tools you then have to be comfortable with this idea of allowing kids to fail as part of the learning process
• Within in the educational landscape there is an infatuation with the culture of a one right answer that can be properly bubbled in on the multiple choice questions.
• This isn’t learning. To ask children to always be right, to ask kids to never make mistakes is unhealthy and detrimental to their growth and learning.

Can you see where if we don’t make mistakes we can’t gain experience or perspective? Can you see where you may be programmed not to tell the story of of who you are with your whole heart for fear of being wrong?

That little voice in our head that says, “What if I’m wrong? Will I lose my connection to everyone around me or anyone I share it with?”

Chances are the more real, open, honest, accepting, loving and nurturing you are with yourself the more you give others permission to do the same around you.

What Next

What is it you believe that keeps you from telling your story with your whole heart?

For me?

• Quite frankly I’m tired of the surface level self help shit I see every day.
• Quite frankly I’m tired of the online and home based business information that gives you the tactics without the personal and self strategy behind it. (I saw people embarrassed in the home based business industry because they were only making 80k a year. That’s messed up)
• Quite frankly I’m tired of  the “story behind the story” not being told for your benefit.

I’ve lived all of it myself and I’ve been ashamed of it.

The same issue exists when it comes to our online or home based businesses, hence buying more stuff rather than doing what we already know.

I attempted to fill the void with extracting value from others (Consumer more information) rather than being a value adder and using what I knew to take action, get experience an gain perspective.

If  we don’t allow ourselves to go through the process of action, experience and perspective we won’t be able to maximize or even identify our gifts and talents. (Because they are overshadowed by shame) This is when we get caught in this void where our gifts (Or business) ever see the light of day. They remain an intangible idea that we take to our grave because of shame.

What do you need to believe in order to free up your energy to create your ideal life and and/or business.

We are all worthy and useful.

Share your thoughts or questions below in the comments section. I’d like to hear what you think.

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