How Does Falling In Love Impact Your Perspective? (My Past Dependency)

picture of couple in love over white

We or Me

One of the big concepts I’ve thought about lately is around my past love life history. When I really give thought to it, it’s that I’ve always been more heavily invested in we instead of me.

My life as a young adult on the surface always seemed pretty decent. I always felt I had a good thing going for myself in whatever my interests were at the time like business or personal projects.

But in more than a few situations my perspective was hit head on by something.


Like, I thought I fell in love with someone kinda love. (Well OK, I did actually fall in love)

All of a sudden things took on a whole new perspective.

  • I started thinking bigger about things.
  • I started thinking I was more capable.
  • I started making transformations inside because I saw a more clear outcome on the other side of the actions.
  • I started taking bolder actions towards more finite visions.
  • I started having more expectations of myself

But there was a problem looming on the other side of all of that.

It wasn’t thinking big about me anymore, I was thinking big about us.

We became a reason, a mission and a purpose.

What happens when we turns into just me again?

That’s right.

Happiness + Dependency = Heartbreak Eventually + Disappointment = Misery

Those who do healthy big things for themselves think big healthy things about themselves.

My Personal Dependency

How many times have you had your heart broken so to speak?

Pretty amazing topic really.

What causes the hurt experience? (That’s an honest question by the way I’ll ask again at the end of this)

Because for me, I’ve always had a history of emotional dependency when I’m really honest about it. I set myself up for hurt before the love interest ever got off the ground.

I can say I was looking for love outside of myself rather than within for myself.

Don’t get me wrong I felt good about who I was on the surface. I seemed to have it all together but below the surface I hadn’t really acknowledged the hurt little boy underneath.

  • It’s only recently that I’ve consciously told myself  I’m the one who has made up the meaning around the abandonment issues with my mother. Truth is she did was she felt was in my best interest considering how young she was.
  • I only recently that I’ve consciously told myself I’m the one who made up the meaning around my grandparents not showing me love when they raised me. Truth is they showed me love in the only way they knew how.
  • It’s only recently that I’ve consciously told myself I’m the one who’s made up the meaning around my father not wanting to be in my life. Truth is the man who is my father doesn’t even know he has a child. My mother doesn’t even know who my father is.

Not acknowledging any of this in my past lead to a history of putting myself in no win situations with married women where I experienced heart break like I had never experienced before.


Probably because I had never experienced someone loving me physically & emotionally in that way before. (Duh)

Fact is I was unconsciously looking for love outside of myself rather than within myself.

Healing hadn’t occurred on the inside first so therefore I was trying to put a band aid on a shotgun wound. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know.

I thought as much of myself as I knew to do before those experiences.

Today I see those experiences were setting me up for much more important lessons in love.

Self love.

Think Big About Your Inner Child

Now I see something as self love a much more defined thing. As before I had no clue. I was aware of self but not in a manner that I understood how to nurture it.

I can’t help but feel there are times as I mature emotionally that I’ve now dissolved the old thought of a hurt little 7 year old Tony. Instead of seeing him alone and in pain I leave him in a happy place like a playground outside in the fall playing with other children.

I see that 7 year old not as hurt anymore but as loved.

I nurture him and praise him everyday for his creativity, strength and ability to love through his child like eyes.

I think big of him and I tell him so.

Better yet, I love him and I make sure he knows it.

I’m not sure about you but in my past, if I talked to a 5 year old child like I talk to my inner child, I’d get put in jail.

Today I know as a healthy individual what my inner child needs in order to feel love so that I think bigger of myself in a healthier manner.

I talk to him in ways that support and nurture him. Yes, I can be hard on him at times but it’s a tough love more than anything today. Not anything like I used to be.

  • What do you do to support, nurture and love your inner child?
  • Do you take time everyday to love your inner child? (Pamper)
  • Do you take time to let that child play? (Hobbies)
  • Do you take time to tell your inner child how great he or she is?
  • Are the relationships in your life supporting and nurturing that inner child?

If any of that sounds woo woo to you or hokey, wake the hell up because below the surface we’re all 7 year old kids walking around.

Purposely Loving You 1st

When you feel love impact you or your perspective be aware that you have a healthy love for yourself first and foremost.

You can attempt to give what you don’t have fully have but It will ween quickly or over time.

“The word love implies a connection between two things.”-The Matrix

People fall in and out of love all the time and it’s just part of life but if you go into it with expecting the other party to fill your donut hole it can’t end up good.

The question is, are people fully conscious of where they’re operating from when they enter the relationship to begin with?

Falling in love can be a messy thing even if we are fully aware. We don’t always know where the other party is fully coming from until we’re fully invested in the situation. Other times it’s freak’n amazing and works out.

For me, it’s been amazing to see my level of consciousness around the topic become so abundant. Do I still walk into some doors sometimes? Sure I do, but the fact is I don’t operate from that hurt place that I did before and the relationship I have with myself is pretty solid. It’s been tested and it’s confirmed.

I don’t look for love outside of myself anymore. I love and respect me and I look to see that complimented.

In the mean time I’m curious of your thoughts around the subject.

What do you think creates hurt when relationships go south?

  • Is it what the person does to you?
  • Is it how you experience their actions?
  • Is it about how you felt about yourself before the connection began?
  • How much time do you take invest in the relationship before the words I love you comes out anyway?
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